


Traditional Christmas

by JohnAmendAll



Category: Sarah Jane Adventures
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-25
Updated: 2012-09-12
Packaged: 2017-11-14 03:03:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/510634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JohnAmendAll/pseuds/JohnAmendAll
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On Sky's first Christmas shopping trip, the gang run into an old acquaintance. And visiting Santa's grotto doesn't seem to be as harmless as it ought to be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

There had been ample indications in the shopping mall that Christmas was close at hand. The presence of decorations, by itself, was hardly a reliable sign; as it happened, they had been hanging there since August. But the saccharine medleys of Christmas songs played through loudspeakers, the stalls selling mince pies, the grotto complete with Santa, and above all the heaving throng of customers, would have left a knowledgeable observer in no doubt. 

Sky Smith was not a knowledgeable observer. But her recently-acquired family were doing their best to bring her up to speed. 

"So, those are reindeer," she said, digesting the latest fact. "How do they fly? They don't have wings." 

"I don't think anyone's come up with a reason," Sarah Jane said. "If you asked anyone, they'd just say it's magic." 

"I remember my first Christmas," Luke said. "I asked you the same question, and you said it was because Santa painted their hooves with Cavorite." 

Sarah looked vaguely guilty. "I did?" 

"Yes, Mum, you did. So I asked Mr Smith, and he said there wasn't any such thing as Cavorite. And even if there was it wouldn't work like that and the reindeer would fly off into space." He looked fondly down at his sister. "You've got to keep an eye on Mum, Sky. Give her half a chance and she'll make up the most outrageous stories and tell them with a straight face." 

"Rani says journalists aren't allowed to make up stories," Sky said. 

Sarah chuckled. "Ah, the innocence of youth. She'll learn." 

A brief commotion nearby caused them to lose the thread of the conversation. The trio turned, to see a young boy, one of the many children queueing for Santa's grotto, attempting to overturn one of the Christmas trees. His harrassed-looking mother dragged him away, provoking a noisy and prolonged tantrum. 

"Why do they all want to go in there?" Sky asked. "What happens?" 

Luke shrugged. "The parents take their children in, and there's a man dressed as Father Christmas, and the children sit on his knee and tell him what presents they want. I don't know much about it. I was born too old for all that. Ask Clyde or Rani when they get back from the shoe shop, they might know more." 

He looked around. Though neither Clyde nor Rani could be seen, one of the faces in the crowd looked vaguely familiar. 

"Hey," he said. "Isn't that..." 

The young woman he'd noticed was hurrying through the crowd, with a large cardboard box in her hands. She was wearing the regulation blouse and skirt of a mall employee, though she'd made an attempt to assert her individuality with a variety of bangles, hair decorations and costume jewellery. As she came closer, she spotted Sarah's party and did a horrified double-take. 

"It is!" Luke bounded towards her, with a grin. "It's Kelsey, isn't it? Kelsey Hooper, all grown up. Hello, Screaming Girl. What are you doing with yourself these days?" 

A variety of expressions, ranging from simple unease to outright panic, briefly disrupted Kelsey's confident mien. 

"I work here. Look, it's nice to see you again," she said, slightly more loudly than she needed to, "but if you're still mixed up in all that freaky stuff I don't want to know about it, OK? Just... try to be normal. If you can." 

"Don't worry, I haven't done anything freaky for..." Luke consulted his wristwatch. "Almost eight minutes now. That's nearly a personal best. Ask my sister." 

"Your sister?" Kelsey looked from Luke to Sky and back. "How come you've got a sister? You don't even have a real– What I'm saying is, you didn't have one before." 

"I'm adopted," Sky said proudly. "I was constructed as a weapon by the Fleshkind." 

Kelsey treated them to a new range of expressions, tending this time more towards the nauseous. 

"Look, I've got to get on," she managed. "Nice seeing you... Archie, isn't it?" 

"Luke!" Sky corrected her, firmly. 

"Luke," Kelsey repeated, though her tone suggested she'd have preferred 'Whatever.' She squared her shoulders. "Guys, I'm really busy right now, OK?" 

"See you later, then," Luke said. "And if you'd like to go out for a meal some time..." 

With an eyeroll and a "You're kidding, right?" Kelsey plunged back into the throng. Sarah, who'd been watching her family's performance with increasing amusement, chuckled again. 

"There's another Christmas tradition for you," she said. "Meeting old friends. Do you know, I think she's scared of us. After all these years." 

"Why would she be scared?" Sky asked. "Who is she, anyway?" 

"I met her on the first day of my life," Luke said. "When the Bane created me, a few years ago. She was in Mum's house with me and Maria when the Bane came after me, and she got taken over by them. When we blew up the factory and everyone went back to normal, she just ran off and pretended the whole thing never happened." 

Sarah nodded. "There are people like that. They think they know everything about how the world works, and they don't want to find out they're wrong. It's a pity, really. If she opened her mind she could be so much more." 

"When we were at school she ignored Maria and me as much as she could," Luke continued. "She left when she turned sixteen, and that's the last any of us saw of her. Until today." 

"I think she's an idiot," Sky said. 

Luke shook his head. "No. She's got a brain, she just doesn't use it except for insulting people. I'll go with 'annoying.'" 

"Be fair," Sarah said. "I think it's improved her, having to deal with customers. Maybe in another six years or so she'll be polite." 

Sky looked up at Luke. "If you think she's annoying why did you ask her out?" 

"To wind her up," Luke said simply. 

"And because he knew she wouldn't say 'yes'," Sarah added. 

Sky shook her head. "Maybe in another six years I'll understand that." 

*

Clyde and Rani turned up about ten minutes later. Despite the length of time they'd spent in one shop or another, it seemed that they hadn't managed to come up with any actual purchases. 

"They didn't have the shoes I wanted in my size," Rani explained. "So I tried some other ones..." 

"Like half the shop," Clyde muttered. 

"... But they weren't as good. And I found a lovely jacket for Clyde, but he said it wasn't his style." 

"Too right it wasn't. I wanted a hoodie, anyway." 

"Clyde! It was dreadful!" 

"So what?" 

"So I'm the one who'd have to look at it all the time, aren't I?" 

"You two are so married," Luke said. Clyde and Rani exchanged glances, and moved slightly away from each other. 

"How are you finding it all?" Clyde asked Sky, casting about for a new topic – any new topic – of conversation. 

"There doesn't seem to be any reason for anything," Sky said. "Whatever happens, Mum just says it's a tradition." 

"Or makes up tall stories," Luke added. 

Rani grinned. "That's how traditions get started." 

"Well," Sarah said. "Unless anyone's got any more shops they want to see... Hello." 

"Hello what?" Clyde asked. 

"Over there." Sarah pointed. "It's that little boy. He was trying to push the tree over earlier. Look at him now. Don't you think he looks tired?" 

Accompanied by his mother, the boy was, indeed, walking away from the grotto. His previous exuberance had completely vanished; he looked subdued and pale. 

"That doesn't look good," Luke said. 

Rani looked puzzled. "What doesn't?" 

"You didn't see him before he went in. He was bouncing off the walls. Look at him now." 

"Maybe it's just all caught up with him." 

"I suppose so." 

They looked back at the entrance to the grotto: a doorway, with a flimsy-looking arched canopy over it, flanked by two plump plastic life-sized cherubs. 

"It looks pretty ordinary," Clyde said. "Not weird or alien or anything." 

Sarah flipped her wristwatch open and aimed it at the statues. "No, they're just ordinary plastic. It's always good to check, of course. Statues aren't always what they seem. I remember one time I was taking a shortcut through a churchyard in the evening, and there was a statue of a recording angel on a gravestone. When I went in, I thought it was looking at me. Anyway, I put it down to nerves – it was a pretty chilly evening, you see, and there was mist everywhere – and just hurried along. I got to the other end of the churchyard, and when I turned round to close the gate, that statue was looking at me again. I'm sure of it." She looked around, judging the effect her story had had. "And when I went back the next day, the statue wasn't there at all." 

Rani shivered. "Now you're making me nervous. I think we ought to try and find out something about this Santa, just to be sure." A journalistic gleam came into her eye. "Maybe we should ask a member of staff." 

"Tell you what," Luke said. "See that girl in the booth there? Selling mobile phone covers? She'd be a good person to talk to." 

Clyde gave him a suspicious look. "Why?" 

"You remember Kelsey Hooper?" 

"That's her?" Clyde looked back at the booth. "I suppose it could be." 

"It certainly is," Sarah said. 

"Then how can we miss a friendly chat with her? The one and only Kelsey?" Clyde nudged Rani. "Come on. Let's see what she knows." 

"From what I remember about her, wouldn't that be 'nothing'?" Rani asked. 

Sarah smiled. "You'll have to make your own judgements. But don't underestimate her just because she works in a shop. I've known people who started where she did, and rose to great things." 

"I bet you've also known people who started in a shop and stayed there," Clyde called back. 

"Was that story true?" Sky asked, watching Rani and Clyde as they set out for the booth. "The one about the statue that moved?" 

Luke smiled. "You're learning." 

"I'll leave it to you two to guess," Sarah said. "After all, ghost stories are another of our Christmas traditions." 

*

Drawing Kelsey into conversation had not been difficult, and in a fairly short stretch of time Clyde and Rani had learned as much of her news as they'd wanted to know, and a lot more that they hadn't. 

"You must be very busy at the moment," Rani said, favouring Kelsey with a bright smile. 

"Yeah, well." Kelsey was affecting the urbane manner of a millionaire with a boutique in every high street. "That's how things are in the world of retail." 

"I suppose you've got to take care with all the decorations and things." Rani looked around. "It all looks very Christmassy, with Santa's grotto and everything." 

"What's he like?" Clyde added, casually. "Santa, I mean." 

For a moment, Kelsey looked curiously blank. 

"All the kids love Santa," she said. "Brings in a lot of custom." 

"Is he one of the staff?" 

"Nah, he's from an agency. Got all the Child Protection and stuff. You've got to, these days. And of course you've got to have someone else there all the time." She nodded at the entrance of the grotto, from which a slender female figure dressed as an elf was now emerging. "That's Nishi. She's normally on the perfume counter. She had to fill in all sorts of forms, too." 

"Careful about Elf and Safety, aren't you?" Clyde looked at Rani's and Kelsey's expressions. "Oh, come on, they can't all be winners." 

"And talking about health..." Rani murmured. 

Whatever process had sapped the children's vitality, it seemed that Nishi had experienced a double dose. Her gait was unsteady, her expression that of one who has been stunned. 

"Is she all right?" Clyde asked. 

"'S just her low blood sugar again or something." Kelsey explained. "Look, are you two gonna buy anything or not?" 

For the sake of peace and quiet, Rani bought a hideous-looking pink case that wouldn't have fitted her telephone anyway. Then, once Kelsey's attention was safely elsewhere, they set out in pursuit of the elf, catching up with her just as she disappeared into the Ladies. 

"Wait here," Rani said firmly, and gave chase. 

*

From a balcony on the upper level of the mall which overlooked the entrance of the grotto, Sarah and her children had watched the woman in the elf costume put up a sign announcing that the attraction was closed for a few minutes, and walk unsteadily away. 

"That seems to be it for now," she said. "We'd better go back downstairs and wait for Rani and Clyde." 

They set out for the staircase at a gentle stroll. 

"There's definitely something going on," Luke said. "Every kid that came out of there looked woozy. And as for that woman at the end..." 

"They did all come out," Sky said. "I mean, they were the same people that went in, weren't they?" 

"Definitely." 

"It makes a certain amount of sense," Sarah said. "If people started disappearing you'd have the police here in no time. Particularly if it was children. But something that just makes people feel a bit tired... that isn't going to ring too many alarm bells. Some parents might even prefer an hour or two of peace." She thought for a while. "It's a ridiculous notion, but the pattern is almost vampiric. As if something in there was draining their blood or their life force, just enough not to arouse suspicion." 

"You know what Clyde's going to call this?" Luke said. "Vampire Santa. He'd probably make up a song about it, too." 

"So what do we do about it?" Sky asked. 

Sarah shrugged. "I don't know. We've got to find out what's happening in there, and then we'll see." 

"We could ask someone who's been in there." 

"You could," Luke said. "They'll think of you as just a little girl. No-one's going to let me or Mum have a private word with their kids." 

"OK, I will." She looked at the queuing families. "I wonder what it's like to be that age? I missed it all." 

"Don't ask me," Luke said cheerfully. 

Sarah put an arm round each of her adopted offspring. "When I was a little girl, the world was a mysterious place full of magic and adventure. And then I grew up... and I found it still was." 


	2. Chapter 2

There was a queue for the Ladies, of course. For once, Rani was grateful: without it, she wouldn't have been able to start a conversation with Nishi. 

"Are you all right?" Rani asked. In her view, Nishi was having difficulty staying upright, though no-one else in the queue seemed to have noticed. 

"I'm fine," Nishi mumbled. 

"You look worn out. You must be run off your feet working for Santa." 

The same blank expression that had earlier graced Kelsey's face now settled on Nishi's. 

"All the kids love Santa," she said. 

_I know what she's going to say next_ , Rani thought. So she said it: "I expect he brings in a lot of custom, too." 

"That's right." 

"And what sort of things does he say to them?" 

The confusion on Nishi's face was increasing. "I don't know... the usual stuff, I suppose. You get so used to it after a while..." 

At this point, they reached the head of the queue. Giving herself no time to think, Rani took Nishi by the arm and more or less dragged her into the vacant cubicle, locking the door behind them. 

"Look," she said firmly. "You're not well. You need to go home." 

"I've got to help Santa." 

"You can't. What if you've got flu and the little children catch it?" 

"He can't be in there on his own with the kids. It isn't allowed." 

"Yeah, I was coming to that." Rani made up her mind. Luckily they were about the same size, give or take. "Swap clothes with me. You get along home, I'll take care of Santa." 

It was, Rani reflected a few minutes later, all Santa's fault anyway. If he hadn't done whatever it was to Nishi, she'd never have been suggestible enough to let a stranger accompany her into a lavatory cubicle, far less exchange clothes with her. As they emerged from the washroom, Clyde looked up, his eyes widening. 

"Right," Rani said firmly. "Nishi, where are you going now?" 

"Home." 

"Then go. I'll come round and pick up my clothes later." 

Nishi went. As she did so, Clyde hurried over to Rani. 

"Please don't tell me you're gonna do what I think you're going to do," he said. 

Rani gave him a determined look. "Of course I'm going to do it. I want to know what's going on in that grotto." 

"You'll end up like her." 

"That's a risk I've got to take. OK, it's not a perfect plan, but I didn't get a lot of thinking time. I think it's the only time I've ever wished there was a longer queue at the Ladies." 

"You're really doing this, aren't you?" 

"I am. And don't try to stop me." 

"I don't think I could." He looked her up and down. "Hope your Dad doesn't see you like that." 

"There's no reason for him to be here." Another idea struck Rani. "Tell you what. I'll ring your mobile just before I go in, so you can hear what happens." 

"So I get to hear Father Christmas sucking out your mind and turning you into his personal zombie. That's if he doesn't just eat you." 

"Clyde, calm down. Whatever's going on in there, all it does is make people feel a bit tired. Worst case, I'll have a lie-in tomorrow." 

Clyde took a deep breath. "If you say so. But... take care, OK?" 

*

"They all say the same thing," Sky reported. "Yes, they saw Santa, and he was very kind, and they had a good time. And then they yawn." 

"Not a lot to go on." Sarah spun around at the sound of someone skidding to a halt behind her. "Clyde. What's happened?" 

"They've got Rani," Clyde said without preamble. In a few words, he explained the substitution that had taken place. 

"She thought she could pass for this Nishi," he said. "It didn't work. Listen to this." 

He pressed a button on his mobile telephone. 

"Hello?" Rani's voice said, sounding a little nervous. 

"Ho-ho-ho," came the reply, less a laugh than a deep metallic boom. "And what do you want for Christmas, my little girl?" 

"Hang on." Rani's nervousness seemed to be increasing. "I'm not one of the kids; I'm a– No! Let go of–" 

The recording broke off. 

"And that's all there is," he said. "I've tried calling her again but it just goes to voicemail. We've got to get her out." 

Sarah nodded. "I agree. But first, we need to find out what's going on in there." 

"How?" Sky asked. "No-one who goes in there remembers anything." 

"There's more than one way to skin a cat." Sarah pulled out her own mobile, put a call through, and waited for the answer. "Mr Smith? I need you." 

Even over the mobile telephone speaker, the sound of the computer's fanfare was quite recognisable. 

"Good. We're in the Coronet Park shopping centre. Can you access the security cameras? Yes, now the room we want to know about is about halfway down the right-hand side, opposite Boots, a bit to the right of the lifts– Is it? And there's nothing you can do about it?" Sarah looked at Luke, Sky and Clyde. "Apparently the camera in that room is switched off. Unless we can turn it on somehow..." 

"Tell him to keep trying," Sky said, closed her eyes, clenched her fists and concentrated. 

For a moment, it seemed as if nothing was happening. Then, the overhead lights flickered, one bank after another, as if a ripple was passing across the ceiling. The multicoloured lights surrounding the window of a nearby shop, which had been flashing in a set pattern, blazed to painful brightness. A cacophony of ringtones sounded throughout the crowd, and the fountain at the centre of the mall spat a twenty-foot high column of water vertically upward, hitting a hanging basket and scattering its contents in every direction. 

"Is it working now?" Sky asked, seemingly oblivious to the chaos she had set off. 

Sarah listened, and nodded. "Come and watch this," she said. 

The four of them gathered around Sarah's telephone. On the screen, grainy, silent monochrome footage showed a corpulent figure, cloaked and bearded, seated on a carved seat that was nearly a throne. Around him stood an assortment of Christmas trees, parcels, snowmen, reindeer, and, for some reason, penguins. In one corner, a dark-haired young woman was standing, clad in an elf costume. Her face wasn't visible from the camera's point of view, but everybody watching knew that it must be Rani. 

After a moment, a woman walked in, leading a nervous-looking little girl. On seeing the figure in the chair, she came to a halt, but then seemed to regain her composure; she lifted the child onto Santa's knee, and stood back. A question, it seemed, was asked and answered. Then, the child held out her hands. What could be cables or tentacles snaked out from the seated figure, encircling the child's head. The air over her cupped hands glowed; a small, intricate, glittering object dropped into them. At the same moment, Rani put her hand to her chest and bent forward, as if in pain, and the child's mother swayed. 

They watched in silence as the tentacles lifted the object out of the girl's hands and disappeared back into Santa's robe. The girl climbed off his knee, and walked out of the camera's field of vision. Then Sarah put the telephone to her ear again, and had a further brief conversation with Mr Smith. 

"I see," she said finally. "Well, we ought to have things sorted out in a couple of hours. If you don't hear from us by six this evening, send what information we have to UNIT." 

She hung up. 

"What's going on?" Luke asked. 

"I thought Father Christmas was supposed to give the children presents, not the other way round," said Sky. 

"And what's happening to Rani?" Clyde added. 

"Mr Smith called it 'block transfer computation,'" Sarah said. "The ability to manipulate the Universe with pure mathematics. It can only be done if there's a living mind linked into the circuit." 

"And that's what our Vampire Santa's up to?" 

"It looks like it. Perhaps he isn't a living mind, or maybe he's using the children because their brains are more flexible. Apparently–" Sarah glanced at Clyde, and broke off. 

"Go on." 

Sarah looked queasy. "Apparently it's a risky business for the mind involved. It could easily cause permanent damage if the controlling intelligence wasn't careful." 

"Rani was in there," Luke said, sounding equally ill-at-ease. "And whatever was happening, it was hurting her. We've got to put a stop to this." 

"As soon as possible," Sarah said. "Come on: let's get over there." 

They set off for the grotto at something close to a run. As they crossed the mall, Clyde collided with someone, knocking them to the ground. 

"Sorry, miss–" he began. "Oh." 

Kelsey scrambled to her feet, and recovered the receipt printer she'd been carrying. "Why can't you look where you're going?" 

"It was an accident." He glanced at the printer. "Did I break it?" 

"Stupid thing's broken anyway. That power surge or whatever it was knocked it out. Paper tape all over the place." 

"Oh," Clyde repeated. "Look, sorry, but I've got to get after Sarah Jane–" 

Kelsey's expression turned thunderous. "You're with those freaks?" 

"Yeah. Er, catch you later." Clyde set off at a run. 

"Oh, no you don't," Kelsey muttered, threw the printer aside, and gave chase. But even at full tilt, she didn't manage to catch up with Sarah and her party until they'd reached the entrance of the grotto, where Sarah appeared to be trying to explain the situation to the family at the head of the queue. As she rushed towards the decorated doorway, the family, seeing a member of staff, patiently stood aside to let her pass; Sarah, Sky, Luke and Clyde all piled in behind her. 

"Luke, make sure no-one else comes in," Sarah called over her shoulder. While Luke stayed behind to close and lock the outer door of the grotto, the others hurried down a corridor, elaborately decorated and lit to evoke frozen Lapland. At the far end, they emerged into the room that had so recently featured on Sarah's camera phone. For most of the year, no doubt, it lived a blameless existence as a stockroom or a janitor's cupboard: now, it represented commercial Christmas in its most concentrated form. In addition to the decorations they'd seen on the telephone, they now saw that the grotto also boasted two cartoonish polar bears and a shark – the latter attempting to blend into the festive atmosphere with the aid of spray-on snow and glitter. 

Opposite the doorway, the motionless figure of Santa sat in his chair. At first glance, he appeared to be no more than what he ought to: a large man with a long white beard, clad in red, his eyes twinkling with merriment. A second, longer glance drew more attention to the motionless face and the decidedly nonhuman shape of the body beneath the robe, and exposed the twinkling eyes as no more than glittering crystalline lights. 

"Ho-ho-ho," the familiar metallic voice boomed, coming not from the figure's mouth but from somewhere overhead. "And who have we here, then?" 

Clyde hurried over to the corner where Rani was standing, her head bowed, her hands limp. Despite the cheerfulness of her elf costume, she looked more like a mute at a funeral. 

"What have you done to her?" he shouted at the throned figure. 

"And what do you want for Christmas, my little man?" came the reply from overhead. As Clyde turned, tentacle-like tubes slid out of the sleeves of the red robe, wrapping themselves around his body and pressing themselves to his forehead. He jerked twice, then went limp. 

"Clyde!" Sarah shouted. She pulled the sonic lipstick from her pocket. "Let him go or I'll destroy you, whatever you are." 

The tentacles released their grip on Clyde. For a moment, it looked as if he'd crumple to the floor, but he remained upright, standing in the same pose as Rani. 

Sarah took a step forward. "I want a word with you." 

There was no answer, only a watchful silence. 

"You're using children to make something. I don't know what, and I don't care. What I do know is that you're luring them in, draining their mental energies, and possibly doing them permanent harm. Now, I'm giving you a choice. If you're trapped on this planet and you're only trying to leave, I can help you get to where you want to go. Or you can live here in peace. But I'm not going to let you put anyone else at risk." 

The silence dragged on. 

"Very well." Sarah adjusted the sonic. "Don't say you weren't warned." 

"Mum!" Sky shouted. 

Too late, Sarah looked down. The tentacles had been creeping towards them across the floor; before she could move, one had hooked her by the leg, while another knocked the lipstick from her hand. Then Sky was by her side, hammering at the tentacle with a two-foot penguin she'd snatched up; its grip slackened, and Sarah pulled her foot free. It reached for her again, but before it could catch her, Luke was there, dragging her clear and helping her to her feet. She looked back at the figure in the chair. The red robe had fallen aside, revealing part of what lay beneath: racks of blue, gently pulsating cubes, linked by fine wires. 

"He's a robot," Sky said. 

Sarah consulted her watch. "An alien robot. Keep away from it, everyone." She glanced at the floor, but there was no way she could reach the sonic; half-a-dozen of the tentacle-like structures blocked her way. 

"I knew it," Kelsey moaned. "I knew things'd get freaky the moment you lot showed up. Why did you have to come here?" 

"Your Santa would still be an alien even if we hadn't," Sarah pointed out. 

"No, he wouldn't! It was all fine until you started poking your noses in!" She marched towards Sarah, anger and fear contending in her face. "I want you to go away, all of you. Just get out of–" 

Before anyone could shout a warning, one of the tendrils lashed out and caught her round the waist. 

"No!" she gasped. "Get away from me! You're not real! Help!" 

"Get off her!" Luke snatched the head from a nearby snowman and beat at the tentacle. With a sound of rending fabric, Kelsey managed to pull free of it; but as she staggered away, more tendrils grabbed Luke by the arms and legs, ripping his improvised weapon from his hands. Slowly and inexorably, he was turned to face the throne-like chair, and dragged towards it. 

"Ho-ho-ho," the voice boomed once more. 

Sarah bit her lip. "Oh, Luke." 

"And what do you want for Christmas, my little man?" 

"Luke!" Sky shouted. "No!" 

Luke managed to look over his shoulder at her, and winked. "Don't worry, Sis. I'll be fine." He turned back to the alleged Santa and cleared his throat. "I want the set of all sets that do not contain themselves." 

A shudder passed through the alien figure. Its tentacles froze in their positions. The lights in its eyes flared, their uneven flicker replaced by a steadily brightening glow. Clyde lifted his head and rubbed his eyes; Rani, with a groan, put one hand to her forehead. 

"Oh, Luke, well done," Sarah said. "I take it that's a logical paradox." 

"That's right." Luke was still trying to wriggle out of the grip of the now-rigid tentacles. "It's called Russell's Paradox. If you imagine a library catalogue–" 

He broke off, as a bubbling sound began to make itself heard somewhere within Santa, rapidly increasing in volume. Curls of sweet-smelling steam began to rise from his body. 

"Mum?" Sky clutched at Sarah's sleeve. "What's happening?" 

"I think it must be based on some kind of gel-pack circuitry," Sarah explained. "And now it's overheating. Apparently you've got to be very careful not to let gel-based computers overheat, or it renders them useless." 

Kelsey looked as if she was struggling to make sense of the situation. 

"You mean it'll blow up?" she managed. 

"I've no idea," Sarah said. "But just in case, maybe we should–" 

There was a sound like a ton of fruit hitting the bottom of a mineshaft, and everything went blue. And glutinous. 

*

Wiping blue slime from his eyes, Luke scrambled to his feet and looked around. The grotto now looked rather less festive; thick blue liquid covered every surface, and the Christmas trees and assorted animals had been scattered like ninepins by the force of the explosion. In the centre, where the Santa entity had been, was a chaotic tangle of wires and pipes, some still dripping liquid. 

With a sticky noise, Sarah pulled herself away from the wall. 

"I suppose that was only to be expected," she said. "Is everyone all right?" 

Luke disengaged himself from the now-limp tentacles. "I'm fine, mum." 

"Does Father Christmas usually explode?" Sky asked. 

"Things seem to, when I'm around," Clyde said. With the air of one who'd long been planning for such an eventuality, he pulled a flannel from an inner pocket and wiped his face. "Welcome to another one of our traditions." 

"What... what happened?" Rani took a step forward, nearly lost her footing on the slippery floor, and caught hold of Clyde's arm for support. "Oh. I see." 

"Yeah." Clyde handed her his flannel. "Pretty much inevitable, wasn't it?" 

"With you lot?" Kelsey had been trying to wipe the sludge off her clothes, succeeding only in making matters worse. "I wish I'd never met any of you. Look at me!" She swept her arm round, slipped, and sat down with a bump. "Look what you've done to this place!" 

"She's got a point," Rani said. "Whoever's in charge isn't going to be happy when they see this. And I don't reckon this costume's ever going to be the same again." 

"I want a bath," Sky added. "Can we go home?" 

"I'm not having any of us in the car in this state," Sarah said firmly. "We'll have to take the Tube." 

"They'll never let us on the Tube," Luke said. "Or the bus. We'll have to walk." 

"First, we need to get out of here," Clyde said. He nodded at the outer door. "Half the security guards in the place have got to be out there waiting for us by now." 

Sarah retrieved her sonic lipstick, glanced around, and aimed it at one of the walls. With a clang, a panel fell open. 

"Ventilation duct," she said. "You learn to spot them, when you've been doing this as long as I have. Come along, you lot." 

She crawled into the duct and disappeared from view. Sky followed her, then Rani. 

"Just a moment," Luke said. He held out a hand to Kelsey, who was still sitting where she'd fallen, a picture of slimy blue dejection. "You'd better come with us." 

"Do you think I'm crazy?" Kelsey sounded on the verge of tears. "You lot march in here, blow the place to bits, cover me in muck... and now you think I'm going to come back to your mum's house? Haven't you done enough to me already?" 

"It's your choice," Clyde said. "I mean, if you'd rather stay here and explain to your boss and all those security guards what happened, we're fine with that. And if you do come with us, at least you won't be the only freak covered in blue slime. Who knows? Maybe you'll start a fashion." 

Kelsey winced at the word 'freak', but took Luke's hand and let herself be pulled to her feet. 

"What the hell," she said. "It can't get any worse, can it?" A faint smile appeared on her face. "And Luke?" 

"Yes?" 

"When you said about buying me dinner?" 

"Yes?" Luke repeated, a note of trepidation entering his voice. 

"You're on. And it'd better be expensive." 


End file.
